Английский шутя. Английские и американские анекдоты для начального чтения (ASCII-IPA) - Илья Франк

The Irish girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

"What is it, child?"

The girl said, "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin — it's only a mistake."

What is it?

An aged farmer and his wife (фермер в возрасте и его жена) were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen (стояли, прислонившись к краю их свинарника; pen — небольшой загон для скота) when the old woman wistfully recalled (когда старая женщина грустно = с грустью вспомнила) that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary (что на следующей неделе будет золотая годовщина их свадьбы; to mark — выделять, отмечать).

"Let's have a party, Homer (давай устроим вечеринку, Гомер)," she suggested (она предложила). "Let's kill a pig (давай убьем = зарежем свинью)."

The farmer scratched his grizzled head (поскреб свою седую голову). "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered ("Но Этель", он наконец ответил), "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago (я не понимаю, почему свинья должна расплачиваться: "взять вину” за то, что случилось 50 лет назад)."

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

Let's have a party.

A man is driving down a country road (человек едет по проселочной дороге), when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass (когда он замечает фермера, стоящего посреди большого поля травы). He pulls the car over to the side of the road (он направляет машину к обочине дороги) and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing (и замечает, что фермер просто стоит там, не делая ничего, смотря "ни на что").

The man gets out of the car (выходит из машины), walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him (проходит весь путь к фермеру = доходит до фермера, подходит прямо к фермеру и спрашивает его), "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing? (простите, мистер, но что вы делаете)"

The farmer replies (отвечает), "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize (я пытаюсь получить Нобелевскую премию; to win — выиграть)."

"How? (как)" asks the man, puzzled (озадаченный).

"Well, I heard they give (ну, я слышал /to hear-heard-heard/, что дают) the Nobel Prize … to people who are out standing in their field (игра слов: out standing — стоящий "снаружи", "на улице" и outstanding — выдающийся; field: 1) поле, 2) область /знаний, деятельности и т.д./)".

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation (техасский фермер едет в Австралию в отпуск). There he meets an Aussie farmer (там он встречает австралийского фермера) and gets talking (и начинает разговаривать). The Aussie shows off (показывает, хвастается) his big wheat field (своим большим пшеничным полем) and the Texan says (говорит), "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large (у нас пшеничные поля, по крайней мере, вдвое больше)."

Then they walk around the ranch a little (потом они немного проходят по ферме) and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle (свое стадо скота). The Texan immediately (тут же) says, "We have longhorns (- порода коров, первоначально разводившаяся в Англии, теперь преимущественно в США, в юго-западных штатах: long — длинный + horn — рог) that are at least twice as large as your cows (по крайней мере, вдвое больше твоих коров)."

The conversation (беседа) has, meanwhile (к тому времени), almost died (почти угасла) when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos (стадо кенгуру) hopping through the field (прыгающих через поле). He asks, "And what are those?"

The Aussie asks with an incredulous look (с недоверчивым взглядом; incredulous [In'[email protected]]), "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas? (Разве у вас в Техасе нет кузнечиков)"

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."

Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?"

The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.

A bus load of politicians (автобус, полный политиков; load — груз; to load — грузить) were driving down a country road one afternoon (ехали по сельской дороге однажды после полудня), when all of a sudden (когда вдруг), the bus ran off the road (съехал с дороги /to run-ran-run/) and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field (и врезался в дерево на поле старого фермера).

Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate (видя, что случилось, старый фермер подошел "исследовать" /to go-went-gone/). He then proceeded (затем он принялся; proceed [[email protected]'si:d]) to dig a hole and bury the politicians (рыть яму и хоронить политиков).

A few days later (несколько дней спустя), the local sheriff (местный шериф) came out (появился, выехал на место происшествия), saw the crashed bus (увидел врезавшийся автобус /to see-saw-seen/), and asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead? (они все были мертвы)"

The old farmer replied (ответил), "Well, some of them said they weren't (ну, некоторые из них сказали, что нет = что не были), but you know (но вы знаете) how them politicians lie (как врут эти политики)."

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.

Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

But you know how them politicians lie.

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday (дедушка отмечал свой 100-й день рождения) and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared (и каждый делал ему комплименты по поводу того, каким спортивным и хорошо сохранившимся он предстал; to appear — появляться, оказываться).

"Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success (господа, я скажу вам секрет моего успеха)," he cackled (прокудахтал). "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now (я был на открытом воздухе день за днем вот уже около 75 лет)."

The celebrants (собравшиеся гости: «празднующие») were impressed (были впечатлены) and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime (как он сумел сохранить такой строгий режим занятий зарядкой, спортом; fitness — пригодность; хорошая форма).

"Well, you see, my wife and I were married 75 years ago (видите ли, моя жена и я поженились 75 лет назад). On our wedding night (в нашу брачную ночь), we made a solemn pledge (мы дали торжественное обещание; pledge — обет, обещание). Whenever we had a fight (когда бы мы ни поссорились; fight — бой; спор, ссора), the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk (тот, кто окажется: «будет доказан» неправым, выходит из дому прогуляться)."

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

"Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."

The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.

"Well, you see, my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."

I’ll take a walk.

It was three o'clock in the morning (было три часа утра), and the receptionist (дежурная, портье) at a posh hotel (в шикарном отеле) was just dozing off (дремала, засыпала), when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming (когда маленькая старушка подбежала к ней, крича). "Please come quickly! (пожалуйста, идите быстрее)" she yelled (она вопила), "I just saw a naked man outside my window!!! (я только что видела голого мужчину за своим окном /to see-saw-seen/)"

The receptionist immediately (немедленно) rushed up (помчалась наверх) to the old lady's room (в комнату старой леди).

"Where is he? (где он)" asked the receptionist.

"He's over there (он вон там)," replied (ответила) the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel (показывая на жилой дом напротив отеля). The receptionist looked over (поглядела туда) and could see a man with no shirt on (и "смогла увидеть" мужчину без рубашки), moving around his apartment (передвигающегося по своей квартире).

"It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed (это, вероятно, человек, готовящийся пойти спать: «в кровать»)," she said reassuringly (она сказала успокаивающе). "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up? (а как вы узнали, что он голый, вы можете видеть его только выше пояса)"

"The dresser, honey! (туалетный столик, дорогая)" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser! (попробуйте встать на туалетный столик)"