Лучшие смешные рассказы / Best Funny Stories - Джером Джером

The Bores, who had hoped that she was not at home – who have only come because the etiquette book told them that they had to come at least four times in the season, explain how they have been trying and trying to come.

“This afternoon,” says Mrs. Bore, “we decided to come for sure. ‘John, dear,’ I said this morning, ‘I shall go and see dear Mrs. Bounder this afternoon, no matter what happens.’”

It looks like the Prince of Wales,[31] who wanted to visit the Bores, was told that he could not come in. He might call again in the evening or come some other day.

That afternoon the Bores were going to enjoy themselves in their own way;[32] they were going to see Mrs. Bounder.

“And how is Mr. Bounder?” asks Mrs. Bore.

Mrs. Bounder remains mute for a moment. She can hear how he goes downstairs. She hears how the front door softly opens and closes.

And thus it is, not only with the Bores and Bounders, but even with us who are not Bores or Bounders. Any society is founded on the make-believe that everybody is charming; that we are delighted to see everybody; that everybody is delighted to see us; that it is so good of everybody to come; that we are desolate at the thought that they really must go now.

What will we prefer – to stop and finish our cigar or to hasten into the living-room to hear Miss Screecher’s songs? Miss Screecher does not want to sing; but if we insist – We do insist. Miss Screecher consents. We are trying not to look at one another. We sit and examine the ceiling. Miss Screecher finishes, and rises.

“But it was so short,” we say. Is Miss Screecher sure that was the end? Didn’t she miss a verse? Miss Screecher assures us that the fault is the composer’s.[33] But she knows another. So our faces lighten again with gladness.

Our host’s wine is always the best we have ever tasted. No, not another glass; we dare not – doctor’s orders, very strict. Our host’s cigar! We did not know they made such cigars in this world. No, we really cannot smoke another. Well, if he insists, may we put it in our pocket? The truth is, we do not like to smoke.

Our hostess’s coffee! Will she tell us her secret?

The baby! The usual baby – we have seen it. To be honest, we do not like babies a lot. But this baby! It is just the kind we wanted for ourselves.

Little Janet’s recitation:[34] “A Visit to the Dentist”! This is genius, surely. She must train for the stage. Her mother does not like the stage. But the theatre will lose such talent.

Every bride is beautiful. Every bride looks charming in a simple dress of – for further particulars see local papers. Every marriage is a cause for universal rejoicing. With our wine-glass in our hand we picture the best life for them. How can it be otherwise? She, the daughter of her mother. (Cheers.) He – well, we all know him. (More cheers.)

We carry our make-believe even into our religion. We sit in church, and say to the God, that we are miserable worms – that there is no good in us. It does us no harm, we must do it anyway.

We make-believe that every woman is good, that every man is honest – until they show us, against our will, that they are not. Then we become very angry with them, and explain to them that they are such sinners, and are not to mix with us perfect people.

Everybody goes to a better world when they have got all they can here. We stand around the open grave and tell each other so. The clergyman is so assured of it that, to save time,[35] they have written out the formula for him and had it printed in a little book.

When I was a child, I was very surprised that everybody went to heaven. I was thinking about all the people that had died, there were too many people there. Almost I felt sorry for the Devil, forgotten and abandoned. I saw him in imagination, a lonely old gentleman, sitting at his gate day after day, doing nothing. An old nurse whom I told my ideas was sure that he would get me anyhow. Maybe I was an evil-hearted boy. But the thought of how he will welcome me, the only human being that he had seen for years, made me almost happy.

At every public meeting the chief speaker is always “a good fellow.” The man from Mars, reading our newspapers, will be convinced that every Member of Parliament was a jovial, kindly, high-hearted, generous-souled saint. We have always listened with pleasure to the brilliant speech of our friend who has just sat down.

The higher one ascends in the social scale,[36] the wider becomes the make-believe. When anything sad happens to a very important person, the lesser people round about him hardly can live. So one wonders sometimes how it is the world continues to exist.

Once upon a time a certain good and great man became ill. I read in the newspaper that the whole nation was in grief. People dining in restaurants dropped their heads upon the table and sobbed. Strangers, meeting in the street, cried like little children. I was abroad at the time, but began to return home. I almost felt ashamed to go. I looked at myself in the mirror, and was shocked at my own appearance: there was a man who had not been in trouble for weeks. Surely, I had a shallow nature. I had had luck with a play in America, and I just could not look grief-stricken. There were moments when I found myself whistling!

The first man I talked to on Dover[37] pier was a Customs House official. He appeared quite pleased when he found 48 cigars. He demanded the tax, and chuckled when he got it.

On Dover platform a little girl laughed because a lady dropped a handbox on a dog; but then children are always callous – or, perhaps, she had not heard the news.

What astonished me most, however, was to find in the train a respectable looking man who was reading a comic journal. True, he did not laugh much; but what was a grief-stricken citizen doing with a comic journal, anyhow? I had come to the conclusion that we English must be a people of wonderful self-control. The day before, as newspapers wrote, the whole country was in serious danger of a broken heart. “We have cried all day,” they had said to themselves, “we have cried all night. Now let us live once again.” Some of them – I noticed it in the hotel dining-room that evening – were returning to their food again.

We make believe about quite serious things. In war, each country’s soldiers are always the most courageous in the world. The other country’s soldiers are always treacherous and sly; that is why they sometimes win. Literature is the art of make-believe.

“Now all of you sit round and throw your pennies in the cap,” says the author, “and I will pretend that there lives in Bayswater[38] a young lady named Angelina,[39] who is the most beautiful young lady that ever existed. And in Notting Hill,[40] we will pretend, there lives a young man named Edwin,[41] who is in love with Angelina.”

And then, if there are some pennies in the cap, the author pretends that Angelina thought this and said that, and that Edwin did all sorts of wonderful things. We know he is making it all up.[42] We know he is making up just to please us. But we know well enough that if we stop to throw the pennies into the cap, the author can do another things.

The manager bangs his drum.

“Come here! come here!” he cries, “we are going to pretend that Mrs. Johnson[43] is a princess, and old man Johnson is going to pretend to be a pirate. Come here, come here, and be in time!”

So Mrs. Johnson, pretending to be a princess, comes out of a paper house that we agree to pretend is a castle; and old man Johnson, pretending to be a pirate, is swimming in the thing we agree to pretend is the ocean. Mrs. Johnson pretends to be in love with him, but we know she is not. And Johnson pretends to be a very terrible person; and Mrs. Johnson pretends, till eleven o’clock, to believe it. And we pay money to sit for two hours and listen to them.

But as I explained at the beginning, my friend is a mad person.

Упражнения

1. Выберите правильный вариант:

1. We make believe about quite serious things.

2. We make believe about quite stupid things.

3. We make believe about quite incredible things.

4. We make believe about quite common things.

ОТВЕТ: We make believe about quite serious things.

2. Where does a young man, who is in love with Angelina, live?

1. in Bayswater

2. in Dover

3. in London

4. in Notting Hill

ОТВЕТ: in Notting Hill

3. Who is the Prince of Wales?

1. It is a title granted to princes lived in Wales.

2. It is a title granted to princes born in England.

3. It is a title granted to princes married in Wales.

4. It is a title granted to princes born in Wales.

ОТВЕТ: It is a title granted to princes born in Wales.

4. How many cigars did a Customs House official find?

1. 35 cigars

2. 48 cigars

3. 24 cigars

4. 53 cigars

ОТВЕТ: 48 cigars

5. “Jovial” is NOT…

1. amiable

2. festive

3. angry

4. good-natured

ОТВЕТ: angry

6. What does it mean “to save time”?

1. to have extra time

2. to do useless things

3. to have a good time

4. to sleep

ОТВЕТ: to have extra time

7. Выберите правильный вариант:

1. When I was a child, I was very surprised that everybody went to hell.

2. When I was a child, I was very surprised that everybody went to heaven.

3. When I was a child, I was very surprised that everybody went to London.

4. When I was a child, I was very surprised that everybody went to Scotland.

ОТВЕТ: When I was a child, I was very surprised that everybody went to heaven.

8. What is Mrs. Johnson’s paper house?

1. a hut

2. a car

3. a bathroom

4. a castle

ОТВЕТ: a castle

9. Who must be a people of wonderful self-control?

1. English

2. French

3. German

4. Scottish

ОТВЕТ: English

10. Выберите нужный глагол:

She must __________ for the stage.

1. dance

2. gain

3. go

4. train

ОТВЕТ: She must train for the stage.

11. Выберите нужные глаголы:

Our host’s wine – — always the best we – — ever tasted.

1. was, will

2. is, have

3. is, are

4. has, have

ОТВЕТ: Our host’s wine is always the best we have ever tasted.

12. Выберите нужный предлог:

Any society is founded _________ the make-believe that everybody is charming.

1. on

2. in

3. at

4. after

ОТВЕТ: Any society is founded on the make-believe that everybody is charming.

13. Ответьте на вопросы:

1. How many actors are mentioned in the story?

2. What are their names?

3. What have you learned about make-believe?

4. What do you like and what don’t you like in Miss Screecher?

5. What would you do if you were Mrs. Johnson?

6. What is the end of the story?

7. How can you explain the title of the story?

8. Retell the story.

14. Заполните таблицу:

ОТВЕТ:

Why We Hate the Foreigner

The advantage of the foreigner is following: he is born good. He does not have to try to be good, as we, the Englishmen, do. He does not have to start the New Year with the decision to be good, and succeed till the middle of January. He is just good all the year round. When they tell a foreigner to mount or descend from a tram[44] from the right side, he will never try to descend that tram from the left side.

In Brussels[45] once I saw a lawless foreigner who was trying to enter a tram from the wrong side. The door was open: he was standing close beside it. A line of traffic was in his way, so he just entered when the conductor was not looking, and took his seat. The astonishment of the conductor was immense. How did he get there?

The conductor was watching the proper entrance, and the man had not passed him. Later, the true explanation came to the conductor, but he hesitated to accuse that man of such crime.

Anyway, the conductor appealed to the passenger himself. Was his presence a miracle or a sin? The passenger confessed. The conductor requested him to leave the tram immediately. The passenger refused to do so, a halt was called,[46] and the police arrived. As usual, they appeared from the ground.[47] At first the sergeant did not believe the conductor’s statement. Myself, in the passenger’s case,[48] I would lie. But he was proud, or stupid – one of the two, and he told the truth. The police said that he had to descend immediately and wait for the next tram. Other policemen were arriving from every corner: nowhere to run. The passenger decided get down. He walked to the proper door, but that was not correct. He had mounted the wrong side, he must descend on the wrong side, too. After that the conductor told a sermon from the centre of the tram on the danger of going from the wrong side.

There is a law in Germany – an excellent law it is – that nobody may scatter paper about the street. An English military friend told me that, one day in Dresden,[49] he tore a long letter into some fifty fragments and threw them behind him. A policeman stopped him and explained to him quite politely the law. My military friend agreed that it was a very good law, thanked the man for his information, and said that for the future he would bear it in mind.[50] But the policeman was not satisfied. He offered my friend to pick up those fifty pieces of paper. My friend did not see himself, an English General, on his hands and knees in the main street of Dresden, in the middle of the afternoon, picking up paper.

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