Английский шутя. Английские и американские анекдоты для начального чтения (ASCII-IPA) - Илья Франк

"I've been like this for the past three years (я был таким: «подобно этому» последние три года). But just wait until next spring (но подождите только до следующей весны), when they let me out of here! (когда они меня отсюда выпустят)"

A newspaper was running a competition to discover the most high principled, sober, well-behaved citizen. Among the entries came one which read:

"I don't smoke, touch intoxicants or gamble. I am faithful to my wife and never look at another woman. I am hard working, quiet and obedient. I never go to the movies or the theater, and I go to bed early every night and rise with the dawn. I attend chapel regularly every Sunday without fail.

"I've been like this for the past three years. But just wait until next spring, when they let me out of here!"

I never go to the movies.

Arriving for a visit (приехав в гости), the woman asked her small granddaughter (женщина спросила свою маленькую внучку), "Megan, how do you like your new baby brother? (Меган, как тебе нравится твой новый малыш-братик)"

"Oh, he's all right (он классный: «в порядке»)," the child shrugged (ребенок пожал /плечами/). "But there were a lot of things we needed worse (но было много вещей, в которых мы нуждались больше; worse — хуже)."

Arriving for a visit, the woman asked her small granddaughter, "Megan, how do you like your new baby brother?"

"Oh, he's all right," the child shrugged. "But there were a lot of things we needed worse."

Oh, he's all right.

But there were a lot of things we needed worse.

"Hello there (здорóво: «привет тут»)", said the vacuum cleaner salesman (продавец пылесоса; to clean — чистить; clean — чистый) to the little girl (маленькой девочке) who answered the door (которая открыла дверь; to answer — отвечать). "Would you like to buy a vacuum cleaner? (не хотите ли купить пылесос) Watch this! (посмотри на это)" Pushing his way into the house (протиснувшись в дом: to push — толкать; way — путь), the salesman proceeded to dump a pile of lint (начал с того, что перевернул кучку пуха; to proceed — приняться, приступить; dump — свалка, груда хлама; to dump — сбрасывать, сваливать /мусор/; pile — куча, груда; lint — корпия) and coffee grounds onto the shag carpet (и кофейную гущу на ворсистый ковер).

"If this vacuum doesn't clean this mess right up (если не вычистит эту грязь немедленно)," he boasted (похвастался) with a big smile (с широкой улыбкой), " why… («ну, тогда»…) I'll eat it right up (я это прямо возьму и съем)."

At this, the little girl turned and left the room (при этом девочка повернулась и вышла из комнаты /to leave-left-left — оставлять, покидать/).

"Where you going, kid? (куда ты идешь, малышка)" called the salesman (позвал продавец). "To find your mom? (найти свою маму, за мамой)"

"Nope (нет, не-а)," answered (ответила) the little girl from the doorway (из дверного проема = уже в дверях), "I'm getting a plate and a spoon… (я возьму тарелку и ложку, я иду за тарелкой и ложкой) 'cause we don't have any electricity! (потому что /because/ у нас вовсе нет электричества)"

"Hello there," said the vacuum cleaner salesman to the little girl who answered the door. "Would you like to buy a vacuum cleaner? Watch this!" Pushing his way into the house, the salesman proceeded to dump a pile of lint and coffee grounds out onto the shag carpet.

"If this vacuum doesn't clean this mess right up," he boasted with a big smile, "why… I'll eat it right up."

At this, the little girl turned and left the room.

"Where you going, kid?" called the salesman. "To find your mom?"

"Nope," answered the little girl from the doorway, "I'm getting a plate and a spoon… 'cause we don't have any electricity!"

Watch this!

I'm getting a plate and a spoon.

A grade school teacher (учительница начальной школы) was asking students (спрашивала учеников) what their parents did for a living (что их родители делают для «проживания» = чем они зарабатывают на жизнь). "Tim, you be first (Тим, ты будь = будешь первым)," she said. "What does your mother do all day? (что твоя мама делает весь день = чем она занята)"

Tim stood up and proudly said (Тим поднялся и гордо сказал /to stand-stood-stood/), "She's a doctor (она доктор)."

"That's wonderful (это чудесно). How about you, Amie? (а у тебя, Эми)"

Amie shyly (застенчиво) stood up, scuffed her feet (повозила ногами) and said, "My father is a mailman (мой отец почтальон)."

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father (а как насчет твоего отца), Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced (объявил; announce [@'nauns]), "My daddy plays piano (мой папа играет на пианино) in a whorehouse (в борделе; whore — проститутка)."

The teacher was aghast (ошеломлена; aghast — пораженный ужасом, ошеломленный [@'ga:st]) and promptly (быстро, тут же) changed the subject to geography (переменила тему на географию). Later that day (позже в тот же день) she went to Billy's house and rang the bell (позвонила в звонок /to ring-rang-rung/).

Billy's father answered the door (открыл дверь; to answer — отвечать). The teacher explained (разъяснила, сообщила) what his son had said (что сказал его сын) and demanded an explanation (и потребовала объяснения).

Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney (на самом деле я адвокат). How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old? (как бы я объяснил это: «как могу я объяснить подобную вещь» семилетнему /ребенку/)"

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"

Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell.

Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

You be first!

How about you?

Answer the door, please!

The saleswoman (продавщица; to sale — продавать) watched as a teen-ager twirled in front of the mirror (наблюдала, как тинэйджер вертится перед зеркалом).

"I adore this dress! (я обожаю = мне очень нравится это платье)" bubbled the girl (пробормотала /восторженно/ девочка, вырвалось у девочки; bubble — пузырь; to bubble — пузыриться, кипеть; бить ключом). "It's absolutely perfect! (оно совершенно замечательное) I'll take it! (я его возьму)"

Then the young shopper paused thoughtfully (затем молоденькая покупательница остановилась, помолчала задумчиво), "But in case my mother likes it (но в том случае, если оно понравится моей маме), can I bring it back? (могу я его вернуть)"

The saleswoman watched as a teen-ager twirled in front of the mirror.

"I adore this dress!" bubbled the girl. "It's absolutely perfect! I'll take it!"

Then the young shopper paused thoughtfully, "But in case my mother likes it, can I bring it back?"

I adore this dress!

I'll take it!

A guy from Georgia (парень из Джорджии) enrolled at Harvard (поступил в Гарвардский университет: to enroll — вносить в список, зачислять, записывать/ся/ [In'[email protected]]; roll — свиток, сверток; реестр, каталог) and on his first day (и в свой первый день) he was walking across the campus (он прогуливался по территории университета) and asked an upperclassman (и спросил старшекурсника), drawling heavily (сильно растягивая слова), "Excuse me, can you tell me where the library is at? (вы не могли бы мне сказать, где расположена библиотека /с предлогом at эта фраза звучит несколько просторечно/)"

The upperclassman responded (ответил), "At Harvard we do not end sentences with prepositions (в Гарварде мы не заканчиваем предложения предлогами)."

The Georgian then replied, "Well then (ну тогда), could you tell me (не мог бы ты мне сказать) where the library is at, asshole? (придурок: asshole — задний проход: ass — задница + hole — дырка)"

A guy from Georgia enrolled at Harvard and on his first day he was walking across the campus and asked an upperclassman (drawling heavily),"Excuse me, can you tell me where the library is at?"

The upperclassman responded, "At Harvard we do not end sentences with prepositions."

The Georgian then replied, "Well then, could you tell me where the library is at, asshole?"

The youngest son (младший сын) of a great Indian chief (великого индейского вождя) went to his father and asked (пришел к отцу и спросил), "Oh father, how did you choose the names for your three children? (как ты выбрал имена для своих троих детей)"

The great chief replied, "My son, when your older brother was born (когда твой старший брат родился), the first sight I saw (первое, что я увидел: «первый вид, зрелище» /to see-saw-seen/) after the moment of his birth (после момента его рождения) was a bear running through the woods (был медведь, бегущий по лесу); so I named him running-bear (и так я назвал его Бегущий Медведь). The morning your sister was born (в то утро, когда твоя сестра была рождена), the first sight I saw was a beautiful star (прекрасная звезда), so I named her morning-star (Утренняя Звезда). But why do you ask me such a question (но почему ты задаешь мне такой вопрос), two-dogs-fucking? (Две-Трахающиеся-Собаки)"

The youngest son of a great Indian chief went to his father and asked, "Oh father, how did you choose the names for your three children?"

The great chief replied, "My son, when your older brother was born, the first sight I saw after the moment of his birth was a bear running through the woods; so I named him running-bear. The morning your sister was born, the first sight I saw was a beautiful star, so I named her morning-star. But why do you ask me such a question, two-dogs-fucking?"

But why do you ask me such a question?

A black family went to the zoo (семья чернокожих пришла в зоопарк) and stopped in front of the cage with the elephant (и остановились перед клеткой со слоном). The young son (маленький сын) asked his mother, "Mama, what's that thing hangin' off dat (= that) elephant? (мама, что это за вещь, которая болтается у того слона)"