Английский шутя. Английские и американские анекдоты для начального чтения (ASCII-IPA) - Илья Франк

Recently castrated (недавно кастрирована),

Answers to the name of (откликается на кличку)

"LUCKY (Счастливчик)"

** LOST DOG **

3 legs,

Blind in left eye,

Missing right ear,

Tail broken,

Recently castrated,

Answers to the name of

"LUCKY"

Little girl asked her Mom (маленькая девочка спросила маму), "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk (мама, могу я повести собаку гулять: «взять на прогулку») around the block? (по кварталу: «вокруг квартала»)"

Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat (нет, потому что у собаки течка: heat - жар; жара)."

"What's that mean? (что это значит)" asked the child (спросило дитя).

"Go ask your Father (пойди спроси у отца). I think he's in the garage (думаю, он в гараже)."

Little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Susie (могу я взять Сюзи) for a walk around the block? I asked Mom (я спросила маму) but she said the dog was in heat and that I should ask you (и чтобы я спросила тебя)."

Dad said, "Bring Susie over here (давай: «приведи» сюда Сюзи)." He took a rag (он взял тряпку /to take-took-taken/), soaked it with gasoline (намочил ее в бензине), and scrubbed the dog's butt with it (и потер ею cобачий зад) and said, "Ok, you can go now (теперь можешь идти), but keep Susie on the leash (но держи Сюзи на поводке) and only go one time (и обойди только один раз) around the block."

Little girl left (ушла /to leave-left-left — оставить, покинуть/) and returned a few minutes later (вернулась через несколько минут) with no dog on the leash (без собаки на поводке).

Dad said, "Where's (где) Susie?"

Little girl said, "Susie ran out of gas (у Сюзи кончился бензин; run out off… — истощить свой запас /чего-либо/) about halfway (примерно на полпути) down the block (вниз по кварталу) and there's another dog pushing her home (и там другая собака буксирует: «толкает» ее домой)."

Little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your Father. I think he's in the garage."

Little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and that I should ask you."

Dad said, "Bring Susie over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's butt with it and said, "Ok, you can go now, but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block."

Little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Dad said, "Where's Susie?"

Little girl said, "Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block and there's another dog pushing her home."

What's that mean?

Bring Susie over here!

My car ran out of gas.

After just a few years of marriage (через несколько лет после женитьбы), filled with constant arguments (наполненной постоянными спорами), a young man and his wife decided (молодой человек и его жена решили) the only way to save their marriage (что единственный способ спасти их брак) was to try counseling (это попробовать обратиться к психологу: «попробовать консультацию, проконсультироваться»). They had been at each other's throat for some time (они уже чуть не вцеплялись друг другу в горло: «они были при глотке друг друга некоторое время») and felt that this was their last straw (и чувствовали, что это их последняя соломинка /to feel-felt-felt/). When they arrived at the counselor's office (когда они пришли к психологу: «советнику»), the counselor jumped right in (сразу принялся за дело: «впрыгнул») and opened the floor for discussion (и открыл дискуссию; floor — пол, настил; места для членов /законодательного/ собрания).

"What seems to be the problem? (что представляется проблемой)"

Immediately (немедленно), the husband held his long face down (опускает свое длинное = вытянувшееся лицо вниз) without anything to say (не имея что сказать). On the other hand (с другой стороны, напротив же), the wife began talking 90 miles an hour (жена начала говорить со скоростью 90 миль в час /to begin-began-begun/) describing all the wrongs within their marriage (описывая все «неправильности» в: «внутри» их брака). After 5 — 10 — 15 minutes of listening to the wife (после пяти — десяти — пятнадцати минут «слушания» супруги), the counselor went over to her (подошел к ней), picked her up by her shoulders (взял: «подхватил» ее за плечи), kissed her passionately (поцеловал ее страстно; passion — страсть) for several minutes (в течение нескольких минут), and sat her back down (и посадил ее обратно /to sit-sat-sat/). Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless (после этого жена сидела там безмолвно; speech — речь).

He looked over at the husband (он оглянулся на мужа) who was staring in disbelief (кто в изумлении, не веря своим глазам смотрел: «уставился, глазел»; belief — вера, верование) at what had happened (на то, что произошло). The counselor spoke to the husband (заговорил с мужем /to speak-spoke-spoken/), "Your wife NEEDS that (ваша жена нуждается в этом) at least twice a week! (по крайней мере дважды в неделю)"

The husband scratched his head (почесал голову) and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays (я могу приводить ее сюда по вторникам и четвергам)."

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

"What seems to be the problem?"

Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 5 — 10 — 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.

He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

What seems to be the problem?

Your wife needs that at least twice a week!

A woman was thinking (женщина подумывала) about finding a pet (о том, чтобы найти питомца, домашнее животное) to keep her company at home (составить ей компанию дома). She decided (она решила) she would like (что она предпочтет) to find a beautiful parrot (найти красивого попугая); it wouldn't be as much work as say, a dog (это не было бы так много работы, как, скажем, с собакой), and it would be fun to hear it speak (и будет забавно слушать, как он говорит). She went to a pet shop (она пришла в зоомагазин) and immediately spotted (и тут же заметила) a large beautiful parrot (большого чудесного попугая). She went to the owner of the store (она подошла к владельцу магазина) and asked how much (и спросила, сколько /он стоит/). The owner said it was 50 bucks (владелец сказал: 50 баксов). Delighted (довольная) that such a rare looking (что такого редкого вида) and beautiful bird (и красивая птичка) wasn't more expensive (не была дороже), she agreed to buy it (она согласилась его купить).

The owner looked at her (посмотрел на нее) and said, "Listen, I should tell you first (послушайте, я должен вам сказать сначала = предупредить вас) that this bird used to live in a whorehouse (что эта птичка жила: «имела обыкновение жить» в борделе; whore — проститутка). Sometimes it says pretty vulgar stuff (иногда она говорит довольно пошлые вещи; stuff — материал)."

The woman thought about this (подумала об этом /to think-thought-thought/), but decided she had to have the bird (но решила, что она должна иметь эту птичку). She said she would buy it anyway (она сказала, что она в любом случае, все равно ее купит). The pet-shop owner sold (продал /to sell-sold-sold/) her the bird and she took it home (принесла ее домой /to take-took-taken — взять/). She hung the bird's cage up (она повесила птичью клетку) in her living room (в гостиной) and waited for it to say something (и стала ждать, чтобы он /попугай/ сказал что-нибудь).

The bird looked around the room (птица оглядела комнату), then at her (потом /посмотрела/ на нее), and said, "New house, new madam (новый дом, новая мадам)."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication (женщина была несколько шокирована смыслом, подтекстом /этих слов/; to implicate — вовлекать, впутывать; заключать в себе, подразумевать), but then thought, "That's not so bad (это не так плохо = ничего страшного)."

A couple hours later (пару часов спустя), the woman's two teenage daughters (две дочери-тинейджеры /т.е. не достигшие еще 20 лет/) returned from school (вернулись из школы). When they inspected the bird (когда они рассматривали птицу), it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores (новый дом, новая мадам, новые шлюшки)."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first (были немного оскорблены сначала), but then began to laugh about the situation (но потом начали смеяться над этой ситуацией /to begin-began-begun/).

A couple of hours later, the woman's husband came home from work (муж женщины пришел с работы). The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new whores; same old faces. Hi George! (новый дом, новая мадам, новые шлюшки, те же старые лица. Привет, Джордж)"

A woman was thinking about finding a pet to keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it wouldn't be as much work as say, a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much. The owner said it was 50 bucks. Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it.

The owner looked at her and said, "Listen, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She said she would buy it anyway. The pet-shop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.